How I Respond In My Mind To My Job Making Me Take A Random Drug Test If

Hi Job,


On the last week of August I was given a random drug test. I was slightly offended because, if I were a smoker/drug user, a drug test would have completely blown my high and, to be honest, we don’t get paid enough for you to tell us if we can or can’t be high.

Anyway, this isn’t about that. It’s been a little under two weeks since I’ve taken the test and I’m writing this at work so I assume that I passed the test. I assume that because if I wouldn’t have passed it, I’m sure you guys would have crackhead-shamed me and given me a pick slip or some shit.

Let me say this right now, if I didn’t pass the test and you guys just haven’t gotten around to letting me go yet, please disregard this email. Like, for real, just give me a warning or something. Fuck that; it’s too hard getting a job in this climate especially with dirty pee.

However, if I did pass it, I feel that you guys should have the same energy that you would have had if I didn’t . So, here are my thoughts on what I feel your next actions should be.

  1. The same way that you would have shamed me for having weed leaves in my piss is the same way that you should praise me for having piss as clean as Ozarka. A phone call telling me that you’re proud of me would suffice. It’s the socially-distanced version of a pat on the back. Praise me for my good as you would fire me for the opposite.
  2. That pink slip that I would have gotten for using green should be turned into money green as in a form of some type of raise or clean piss bonus. That is what I mean when I say keep the same energy.
  3. Last, the hour that you had me sitting in a clinic for an unnecessary drug test in the middle of a damn pandemic should be replaced with a free hour added to my lunch break.

Again, all I’m saying is, If you’re going to punish me for pissing out cocaine, then praise me for pissing out Alkaline urine with a ph of 8 or more. ( P.S – I am writing this on my break just In case you’re wondering.)

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